SugarHouse Mama

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Hated the Books...

But the movie is going to be AWESOME. And by awesome I mean so potentially terrible that it is going to be awesome.

Seriously, I can't wait. {Well, I can't wait until it's at the $1.50 theater which is sadly no longer a dollar and I can pack up my fellow Twilight Haters...please oh please come Lois I promise it will be good old fashioned snarky fun...because I WILL NOT pay a full 7 bucks to see that movie and most especially when the theater is guaranteed to be filled with people who will give us the evil-eye because we will be laughing at the most, in their minds, inappropriate moments}.

Anywho. Even if you are a loyal lover of the series, you have to admit there is something seriously wrong with what they are doing to the movie.

I submit for examination by the court, Evidence A:

Oh I don't even know where to start. First of all, pretty much the entire point of the book is that what'shisname Edward is supposed to be the handsomest, gorgeousest, modelest dude in existence. Or like unto existence. But Cedric Diggory's character is decidedly unappealing {incidentally CD was hot. Is hot. I swear they de-hottified him in unnatural ways that will surely damage his career. Where was I? Oh yes.} Unappealing. In more ways than I can even begin to express. The tight, low pants. The horrid belt skewed to the right. The shirt. The HAIR. I'm pretty sure they scalped Conan, or at the very least used him as a hair model. Or maybe Donald Trump.

And this is the guy who what'shername clutsy-freak-girl Bella is supposed to be "unconditionally" in love with? Hmmm. Of course, she has a serious lack of judgment proven by the fact that she has romance and creepy-stalkery-obsessive behavior confused. I don't care who or what your reasons are, it is not okay for you to come into my room and watch me sleep at night. Every night. Yuck.

But this is clutsy-freak-girl-who-exhibits-a-serious-lack-of-self-preservation Bella. So she swoons. Directly after her trip to the produce section of Albertson's. Awesome.

Evidence B:

Again. The discrepancy between vampire-hotness {don't any of these people remember Angel? Man I'm soooo glad I have Bones to makeup for that loss!} and this ridiculous now-spiky-haired-we-learned-our-lesson-from-the-EW-mag character. Poor Cedric. I'm sitting here wondering if the writers even read the book. Because I clearly remember about a zillion-ish subtle references to the hotness of Edward. Yeah. Subtle like a brick to the head. This guy looks like he fell into a tub of baby powder.

Oh. and these two people are supposed to be "unconditionally" in love? She looks like she's being kidnapped. Or maybe this is supposed to foreshadow the part where she "unconditionally" loves Edward but is really acting like she's liking if not loving the warm bodied Jacob. Unconditional love my foot.

But hey. I'm thrilled. As far as I'm concerned it will make for perfectly amusing entertainment and it really really helps my standing in my book group. I told them all that Edward was not, in fact, beautiful. Tall-almost-lurpy-greasy-haired-seriously-washed-out-stalker dude? Yes. Beautiful? No.

If you ignore being screamed at throughout the book that Bella thinks Edward is like-so-totally-hot and actually read the descriptions of him then I guess these portrayals are actually quite accurate. And maybe that's exactly what the writers and wardrobe and makeup did.

I've never thought a movie version was better than the book. I'm seriously hoping this holds true for Twilight.

P.S. I'm counting this as a book review even though I read the book a long while ago.


Shallee said...

Bwah ha ha ha ha!! I totally laughed my head off through this whole thing! I am with you on the dollar night laugh fest-- it might be the only thing the movie's good for. And, to add an exhibit C, did you see the first trailer? The whole, "I'm not afraid of you," scene where he leaps out the window like some creepy cat-man? Yeah, laughed until my gut hurt.

Harward Family said...

You're way to sercious sometimes!!! I loved the books! I can appreciate your opinion and I'm sure your right because you are much more educated than me. Let us dummies just enjoy it for the fun of it. I love you, even though you are and Edward hater

Lois said...

Oh my gosh!I haven't laughed this hard in a long time! I can't wait to see the movie- lets take up an entire row of unconditional Twighlight haters!!After 260 pages of trying to like this book, I gave it up and explained to Lily why she would NEVER read it! You wrote every point we talked about, starting with ITS NOT OK to be stalked by anyone! HELLO PEOPLE,hasn't anyone ever read a good book?!lol

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, this is hilarious. This movie is going to be horrible! I agree with absolutely everything you've said here about the trailers, the movie stills, posters, everything! Neither of them look like very appealing characters, and they have absolutely ZERO chemistry in either of the trailers I've seen (it doesn't help that they deliver their lines in monotone). I'm sure I'll see the movie with my teenage daughter, but more out of curiosity than anything. (btw: it's taken my daughter some time, but she has finally seen the light on how horrible these books are. it was the fourth book that sealed the deal. now all they're good for to her are the possible income of selling her autographed copies of each book in the series.)

Jess said...

Way to have an opinion, but I still LOVED the books :)

kare bear said...

umm jess... after this blog, we're not friends any more.

Love ya! can't wait to see you in a week!!!

Cathie said...

I love the books because they're SO bad that they're funny. Like, "crying laughing" funny. I once wrote my own fanfic sequel. It goes like this:

Cold stone vampire perfect cold dazzle perfect cold dazzling perfect breathtaking perfect.

Also, I totally agree with you about how they turned a perfectly good, attractive guy into a drugged-out weirdo. They should have just put some pale foundation on the man and called it a day.

Oh, and hi, I'm new. Found you through the shabby apple contest.